For the guy who give a twist in my story..

Hurt. Confuse. Broken, but still hoping…

These were my current situation the moment our paths crossed. And I’m so honest that I didn’t even try to hide it from you. You even listen intently and answer my never-ending questions. At that simple conversation about my current situation, we’ve clicked. <3

Honestly, I didn’t expect for you to move forward in my life, I didn’t even realize you were there, trying to console me. Trying to make me happy and forget my damn love life. And it worked, it really worked.

The first time, you were just my listener... at this point of time, we’ve been practically together. I admired how you assured me and make me feel good. I admire your patience and your determination. I honestly feel that I’m not deserving of your love. When I feel like giving up, you were there trying to hold me. And when I’m falling, you’d just perfectly catch me.

And the rest is history! I can’t explain how happy am I to find you. I know I’ve been unfair... I’ve been reckless, insensitive and I’ve been so hard to understand. But you just accepted me, as is. Sorry for my imperfections, baby. Sorry for not being a good girl... friend I supposed to be.

And I would grab this opportunity, to express my gratitude for the unconditional love you gave me. Even though I weren’t so sure, you still give me the live I know I don’t deserve. Thank you for always being there.

Thank you for giving me reasons to love all over again and to start over. I thank and glorify God for His wonderful blessing he generously gave me... YOU.

 I don’t know what will happen to us... but one thing I’m so sure and I’ve been praying about. I will give you the love you deserve :”) I will not give up on us as well. I love you dear J Thank you for being a part of my life.

PS~

Let’s count the days, weeks, months, years... lifetime

Cause that’s how long you and I, we’ll be together.♥

Cliffhanger~

Once upon a time, I've been in a middle of an unknown and unclear but exceptional wondrous feeling. 

It all started when I fall for an ideal guy. One of my closest guy friend and probably a real existing ideal guy for everyone. He displays a real genuine and sincere character. He has this amazing effect of making me smile just by simply looking at him. He always listens to my senseless stories and sudden burst out. He’s kind enough to buy my corny jokes. He’s my confidence booster as well. And to top these, he’s a humble and efficient man of God.

Basically, we’ve been very good friends. I share him my thoughts, he gave me assurance and comfort. We’ve shared each other’s failures and triumphs. We give each other endless advices and we’ve found confidence in one another.

And so I never expected that one day, a feeling that seems like been buried in the deepest part of my heart had been awaken. I didn’t even realize it was there. Too late before I even accepted it. I suddenly fall for him in every single way I can imagine. 

A love story that’s been unfolds. Yes. It’s a story that only the two of us can relive. There will always be a version of his, and a version of mine. And what I’m writing now is my side. My own knowledge of our love story. For awhile I felt t a sense of security and contentment. Every moment with him is a very wonderful memory. At that short while, all I’ve known is happiness. Happiness that I truly found in him.

But we’ve been sidetracked by this temporary happiness. Suddenly, everything was unclear, every memory seems blurred. The next moment, we were miles apart. I don’t know what happen to us. He suddenly acts like everything didn’t really happen. Like a wonderful dream had finally come to an end.

Until now, I can’t find simple words to explain our supposedly love story… and until now, I’ve been imprisoned with that memories. I found myself reliving those and wondering what might happen the other way around. If only I had known that sooner it will end, I would simply pray for the clock to stop ticking. I would wished that at that moments... time would stop. If only I knew...

I don’t know to end this. I’m still hoping that sooner, this cliffhanger love story would finally have its ending. It’s the only way I can move forward. I’m still praying that maybe, just maybe, it would not be just once upon a time.  

Dear Heart,

Here I am again. Unsure of what to do next. It's like I'm stuck again on the middle. Didn't want to go back and afraid to move forward. I fear that any wrong step will end up to wrong direction. And that wrong direction may ruin everything.

It's sickening to think that I'm unstable. I'm tired of taking everything for granted. Like I don't really care. But deep inside, there's a knot telling me that, I do still care. And it hurts even more to think that it's the truth. The truth that I try so hard to repress on my subconscious mind. 

I'm really sick and tired of pretending. Of not entertaining what I really feel. Of suppressing every thought and emotion I'm having at any moment. Of  pretending that everything's gonna be alright~ Wherein fact, I know in my heart that it takes a long time for that to happen.

I'm afraid to suffer, and to get my fragile heart broken and so I choose the safer path. The path that is safer, which I can control the flow of my emotions and thoughts. For weeks, I convinced myself that I made the right decision. Sure, I'm happier, I get to know my other friends well, I had keep an effort to build healthy friendships with other people around me, except for him. I had to read the bible a lot now read more novels that take me to different worlds that barely exists, and from time to time, there's a lot of realizations and lessons that are being revealed to me. Don't get me wrong, I'm so thankful for these good things the safer path brought to me.

But still, why do I feel empty? -___- Like, there's nothing worth pursuing for anymore. That despite all the happiness brought to me by other people and the life's lessons that I learned, I still end up entirely miserable? Ugh. I hate this thinking and feeling that crawls up on my system. I feel so coward. And at the same time, stranded. <//3

And now, here am I, suddenly. Thinking twice, and wise. How long can I bear this loud unspoken cry of pain? How long can I endure the silent suffering I'm having? When will this unwelcome stirrings may come to pass? I don't know. I'm still struggling to search for the answer.

I feel alone, stupid and frustrated. And again, I am faced with this terrible question : Should I move forward and continue this blank and empty but safer path? Or should I get back to my pioneering journey and again be vulnerable for the possible pain and happiness as I had done before?

So help me God~    

My 18th Birthday!

Basically, I'm planning to spent it just another regular year for me. Another regular birthday :) Napaka-uneventful kasi ng week na 'toh for me. As in. -_-


March 23, 6:30pm.

Pero thankful ako sa mga taong nag-effort para pasayahin ako. Sa ZOUL Ministry. Kahit sa kabila ng napakadami kong nagawang mali, anjan pa din sila para pasayahin ako. Di ako nageexpect na may something, pero kahit na alam kong madaming barriers, di pa sila nakalimot =)

Simple lang pero ramdam ko yung pagmamahal nung mga oras na yun. I honestly special, special. Kahit sa isang gabi, naramdaman ko na worth it ako para
 magcelebrate ng 18th.


Sobrang nag-enjoy din ako sa messages nila! Minsan mo lang kasi silang maringgan niyan e. Di sa lahat ng oras may magbibigay sayo ng birthday messages na tagos sa puso. Di ko tlaga makakalimutan lahat ng pangaral na binigay ninyo saken. Thankful ako kasi naging bahagi ako ng ministry na ito. Salamat po ng madami!




March 24, 2013.

Happy Birthday to me! Umaga pa lang, binati nako ni Papa. Unexpected nga e. Tas di man lang ako nagthankyou. :( Then church. Greetings all over! Salamat sa lahat ng bumati. Then, tumawag ang Commonwealth friends, sa mga nakausap ko na sina Ate Olie, Kuya Emman, JD, Kuya Jayson at Chill. Salamat sa pangungulit at effort ninyo! Mahal ko kayo :*

Then, pumunta kami sa puntod ni Lola. With Ezra, Alex at Kuya Jarogs. Namimiss ko na si Lola~ Sobra. :(

At finally, nagOL ako. Grabe, natuwa ako sa mga messages. Kung sino pa yung mga taong, di mo expected na babati sayo at magpopost ng mahabang message, sila pa talaga nag-effort. Grabe lang :D Thankyou tlaga!

Di pa tapos ang birthday ko. Alam kong magiging masaya ako. God is with me =))

This Time I Surrender.

“ Sometimes, giving up is the best solution. Its not actually quitting but its accepting the fact that what's not meant will never be. Fighting for it would just complicate the situation.

It may hurt. It may sting a little. But after awhile, you'll realize that more pain could have been felt if pushed through.”

It's hard to let go of something, when all your life, it's been the source of your learning and happiness. Especially, when the reasons are hard to understand. It hurts. People may blame you. They may judge you. But what hurts even more is the fact that no matter how you try to make them understand, its just you who can fully realize the pressure you undergone, the risk to take a chance, and the pain to let it go.

This time I surrender. The institution, the friends, the lessons. I am no longer committed. And that's painful. I had learned a lot through this organization. Lessons that I do not find in any of my academics subject. I'm happy in serving the students and seeking the truth. It makes me worthy. But there are some things that I had done, things that I cannot changed anymore. And I was to blame.

Furthermore, if its not meant to be, then its not. But its just a matter of adjusting to a new course of living. And living in this stage is complicated. It's really hard fro me to handle a commitment. I'm no mature, I;m just a girl easy to fall and get down. And this decision is hard. I need to make a step and be firm.

“ Goodbye for now but not forever.”

Breaking Point

Marikina Church of Christ Christmas Camp

Dec. 28-30, 2011

Christian Camp of the Philippines, Pagsanjan, Laguna

" As we gather , may your spirit work within us. As we gather may we glorify your name. Knowing well that as our hearts begin to worship.. we'll be bless because we came. We'll be bless because we came. "