Dear Heart,

Here I am again. Unsure of what to do next. It's like I'm stuck again on the middle. Didn't want to go back and afraid to move forward. I fear that any wrong step will end up to wrong direction. And that wrong direction may ruin everything.

It's sickening to think that I'm unstable. I'm tired of taking everything for granted. Like I don't really care. But deep inside, there's a knot telling me that, I do still care. And it hurts even more to think that it's the truth. The truth that I try so hard to repress on my subconscious mind. 

I'm really sick and tired of pretending. Of not entertaining what I really feel. Of suppressing every thought and emotion I'm having at any moment. Of  pretending that everything's gonna be alright~ Wherein fact, I know in my heart that it takes a long time for that to happen.

I'm afraid to suffer, and to get my fragile heart broken and so I choose the safer path. The path that is safer, which I can control the flow of my emotions and thoughts. For weeks, I convinced myself that I made the right decision. Sure, I'm happier, I get to know my other friends well, I had keep an effort to build healthy friendships with other people around me, except for him. I had to read the bible a lot now read more novels that take me to different worlds that barely exists, and from time to time, there's a lot of realizations and lessons that are being revealed to me. Don't get me wrong, I'm so thankful for these good things the safer path brought to me.

But still, why do I feel empty? -___- Like, there's nothing worth pursuing for anymore. That despite all the happiness brought to me by other people and the life's lessons that I learned, I still end up entirely miserable? Ugh. I hate this thinking and feeling that crawls up on my system. I feel so coward. And at the same time, stranded. <//3

And now, here am I, suddenly. Thinking twice, and wise. How long can I bear this loud unspoken cry of pain? How long can I endure the silent suffering I'm having? When will this unwelcome stirrings may come to pass? I don't know. I'm still struggling to search for the answer.

I feel alone, stupid and frustrated. And again, I am faced with this terrible question : Should I move forward and continue this blank and empty but safer path? Or should I get back to my pioneering journey and again be vulnerable for the possible pain and happiness as I had done before?

So help me God~